Your Pronoun and Neopronoun Starter Kit!
Pronouns and Neopronouns can feel intimidating to learn about, especially if you have never met someone who uses pronouns you haven’t heard before. We created this guide to help you understand and become more comfortable with what pronouns are and how to use them. We would like to note that this is not a comprehensive ‘list’ of pronouns, but rather just a guide to get you started on learning more about this topic.
What are Pronouns?
Pronouns are words that often stand in for nouns. In this case, pronouns are words that can stand in for people’s names, but pronouns can be used to refer to people, things, concepts, and places. Examples of pronouns include “she/her/hers”, “he/him/his”, “ze/hir/hirs”, and “they/them/theirs”. Some people prefer certain pronouns, or multiple different kinds of pronouns, or just to be referred to by their name. Here are some examples of different types of pronouns used in the same sentence:
They/Them/Theirs: Jane is coming over today. They are bringing their computer so we can do homework.
She/Her/Hers: Jane is coming over today. She is bringing her computer so we can do homework.
He/Him/His: Jane is coming over today. He is bringing his computer so we can do homework.
She/They (More than 1 type of preferred pronouns): Jane is coming over today. She is bringing their computer so we can do homework.
No pronouns: Jane is coming over today. Jane is bringing a computer so we can do homework.
What are Neopronouns?
Neopronouns are pronouns besides the ones most commonly used in a particular language. Pronouns are reflections of a person’s identity, and the pronouns or neopronouns each person chooses to use can be limitless. Some examples of neopronouns include “xe/xir/xirs”, “ey/em/eir”, or “ne/nem/nir”. Here is an example of using neopronouns in a sentence:
Jane is coming over today. Xe is bringing xir computer so we can do homework.
Using It/Its/Itself as Pronouns:
Some people choose to use it/its/itself as pronouns. It is important to understand that these pronouns, like all pronouns, are only appropriate when the person that uses them tells you that they prefer to use it/its/itself as pronouns. A lot of harm has been done to gender diverse folks through the use of the word ‘it’, as it has been used throughout history to describe people who identify outside of gender constructs in a negative and demeaning way. To avoid harm, make sure you are listening to understand, and not using it/its/itself pronouns as default pronouns to describe someone whose pronouns you do not yet know.*
*If you do not yet know someone’s pronouns, you can use they/them/theirs pronouns as ‘default’ pronouns until you have asked for their pronouns or know for sure otherwise. Once you know someone’s pronouns, use those!
Why focus on Pronouns/Neopronouns?
Sharing pronouns during introductions, on name tags, on email signatures, and in other places gives everyone an opportunity to self-identify before assumptions are made about which pronouns they use. By allowing people to self-identify, we show that we are not assuming their gender identity based on their appearance or their name. This practice is the first step toward creating an inclusive and welcoming environment for people of all genders.
What if I don’t want to share my pronouns?
If you don’t want to share your pronouns, that’s okay! Just like it is important to give people the space to share their pronouns, it is also important to acknowledge that there are situations in which people don’t want to share their pronouns. Some examples of these situations include when someone is questioning if they want to use different pronouns, they don’t use any pronouns, they don’t feel comfortable sharing them in that space, or they just don’t want to. If someone chooses not to share their pronouns, it is usually best to refer to them by their name until told otherwise!
What do I do if I use the wrong pronouns when I’m talking to or about someone?
Misgendering refers to the experience of being labeled by others as a gender other than the one you identify with. Using the wrong pronouns, either intentionally or unintentionally, is a form of misgendering. If you accidentally use incorrect pronouns when talking to or about someone, the best practice is to apologize, then proceed using the correct pronouns. Over apologizing (apologizing repeatedly) can be uncomfortable or demeaning for some people. Just take accountability for your mistake and be mindful of the person’s pronouns in the future. Here is an example of a situation:
“Jane is coming over today. She is bringing her computer so we can do homework.”
*You are corrected because Jane uses they/them pronouns.* In response, you can say this:
“Sorry, thanks for letting me know. They are bringing their computer so we can do homework.”
How do I ask what someone’s pronouns are?
An easy way to find out what someone’s pronouns are is to introduce yourself with your pronouns, which then gives them the space to safely introduce their pronouns. In a group setting, you might start a conversation by saying “Let’s start by introducing ourselves by our names and pronouns”. You can also always ask someone what their pronouns are, just make sure to be respectful and kind. Never force someone to share their pronouns if they are not comfortable or don’t want to.
How do I learn to use gender neutral language?
If someone uses pronouns you’ve never used before, practice before you see them! Say the pronouns to yourself and use them in sentences that might come up during your conversation.
If someone says pronouns that you’ve never heard before, try saying, “I’ve not heard those pronouns before. Can you please tell me how to use them in an example sentence so I can make sure I get it right?”
When you’re addressing groups of people, rather than using gendered terms like “ladies and gentlemen” or “boys and girls” try saying things like “folks”, “y’all”, “everyone”, or “friends”.
If you don’t know someone’s pronouns, use their name or descriptive language when talking about them. For example: “Can you give this paper to Jane?” or “Can you give this paper to the person over there in the black t-shirt?”.
Anyone can learn how to use pronouns in a respectful way, especially if you practice these skills! If you are interested in learning more about any of this, try out one of our Allies trainings! You can find more information about them here: LGBTQ+ Allies Trainings